Lyrics

I learned to count before I learned to cry
Gold stars and grades, a boyhood kept on file
Somebody said a man is what he earns
So I earned and earned and looked for my own self in the returns

I brought home numbers like a cat brings birds
Laid them on the table in the place of words
Salary and title, square meters, engine size
A spreadsheet where a self was supposed to rise

But the columns never balanced and the total never came
Every year I earned my keep - and never kept my name

Tonight I close the ledger
I am done accounting for my heart
No invoice for existing
No deficit for falling apart
I was never the sum of my columns
Never the figure after tax
And the ones who really love me
Have never checked the math

I know men who died still counting, calculators in their chests
Who mistook their own exhaustion for a medal on their breast
I was halfway to that country with my ledger and my pen
When a voice in me said: put it down - so I put it down right then

What's the net worth of a morning?
What's the margin on the rain?
Who audits a man for breathing
With no profit and no gain?
The account was always settled
The debt was never real
I was paid in full the moment
I was given hands to feel

Tonight I close the ledger
And I'm walking out the door
Of the office in my ribcage
I don't work there anymore
I am not my balance sheet, love
I am not my interest rate
I'm the man outside the numbers
And the man was worth the wait

Paid in full
Nothing owing
Paid in full
I always was